When friendships end...

As women, we expect to go through break-ups. Of course we don’t want to, but we expect to nonetheless because break ups are a part of life.

We don’t however, expect to break up with friends. We kind of assume that all our friendships will go the distance. But this is not always the case.

In my life I have had to let go of two friendships I had thought would be lifelong.

Both have been heartbreaking and as upsetting as any romantic break-up could be.

When I was 16 and at college, I met a girl and we instantly hit it off. It was my 17th birthday just a couple of weeks after we started the year and I invited her to my party. She came and what followed were years & years of nights out, sleepovers, supporting each other through relationships (and the inevitable break ups!) house moves, jobs, we were in it all together.

On New Year’s Eve years ago, the man I had been with for 7 years and had built a life with left me. There was no warning (in fact I’d felt as though he might propose that Christmastime) and it absolutely broke me. Without even thinking, this friend rushed to my aid. She stayed with me for weeks on end if I remember correctly (it’s all a bit of a teary blur to be honest) and as my life fell apart, she was one of the people who held me together. I loved her with all my heart. I still do.

I think it was around a year later that she became pregnant. The baby’s father was absent and so I remember going with her to lots of appointments, pram shops, breastfeeding workshops etc. I supported her the way she had supported me. When the baby was born I was there for her. And in the months that followed, I took her meals, was there with her pretty constantly and we had almost become this little family. I was the baby’s godmother and I felt like our friendship had only gotten stronger.

But then something changed. And I don’t really know what. Our lives just started to go in different directions. She met new friends (who also had children) and I found a love for climbing mountains and a new found independence. I guess we began to see less of each other and I remember going to see her at Easter with some eggs for her child and there wasn’t the usual warm welcome. Another friend was there and it was almost that I was ‘in the way’ I didn’t stay long. The energy was off. And from that moment, our friendship kind of disintegrated. It wasn’t long before she cut me off altogether and stopped taking my calls or replying to my messages. In fact, the last message I ever sent to her did not even deliver.

I’m not going to lie, this was all pretty devastating. It broke my heart in a completely different way than a man ever could. Because you might expect your heart to be broken by a man, but not by a friend. The end of that friendship taught me a lot.

The main lesson being that people are ‘reasons’, ‘seasons’ or ‘lifetimes’. Not everyone is supposed to be in your life for the whole duration.

Some people really do come in to teach us something (I’m sure you’ve had your own experiences of these!) They are our ‘reasons’. Some people are ‘seasons’ They are there for a period in life where we need each other. And once that need is met or the support is fulfilled, they leave our life. I think this was the case with this friend. We were ‘seasons’ for each other from our teenage years to early adulthood. And there are those who are ‘lifetimes’ The ones who never leave. The ones who are with you forever. The constants. There may not be many of these so treasure them for they are precious.

The second time I have experienced the ending of a friendship was more recently. And it’s been incredibly difficult to navigate. Again, because as women, we just never think our friendships will end. This time it felt even more personal. We were SO close and literally told each other everything. From the moment we met I knew we were going to be best friends. And whilst we had completely different personalities, our friendship was stronger because of those differences. But we had differing views on lots of things and different perspectives. And whilst this is the case with many relationships in my life, with this friend, it just became a gap too big for us to bridge. I think we inadvertently hurt each other. It was painful. I cried a LOT.

We almost had more of an ‘official’ break up, where messages were sent in which we both agreed to take time apart and not be as present in each other’s lives. It was actually all very mature now I come to look back, Mature yes, but still very upsetting.

We have since seen each other and talked about it all. Tears were cried, we hugged and we both knew our friendship was gone. It breaks my heart to think we won’t be at each other’s weddings and won’t be a part of each other’s lives the way we were. But some things are just not meant to be. Part of life is accepting this.

Here’s how I helped myself through letting go of friendships that meant a lot to me..

My tips for anyone going through the ending of a friendship…

1. Don’t bypass anything. Acknowledge what happened and what your role to play was. Know that you did your best and be kind to yourself. And if you hurt the other person (however unintentionally) apologise.

2. If you can, talk to them. If you can get a sense of closure and both acknowledge how it’s going to be from here, you will feel better (maybe not in the moment but definitely in the long term.) If you can't talk to them, write them a letter. Tell them everything you want to say. You don't even need to send it if you don't want to but it will feel better to have got it all out of your head & heart.

3. Lean on your support network. Turn to your circle of friends, the ‘lifetimes’ and pour your heart out. They’ve got you.

4. If you have a partner, cry to him. Goodness knows the amount of times Scott has come home and I’ve burst into tears because I miss her or I’m sad about the loss of the friendship. Being held by someone who loves you will help. If you don’t have a partner, let your sister, mum or anyone else who loves you hold you.

5. Remember the good times. I still have photos of these women up in my house because they were (and still are) important to me. We shared years & years of fun & love & happy times. Don’t forget all the love you shared and happy memories you made.

I hope this was helpful for anyone going through something similar. No-one teaches us or prepares us for friendship break-ups! Go easy on yourself.

With so much love,

Jenny x x